meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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