So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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