Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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