Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
