The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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