The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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