How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
