i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
