I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize