If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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