Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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