the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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