i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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