I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
