Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
