Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
