Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
well you can't waste a boner
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
