party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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