you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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