I'm so fucking centered right now
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
