I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
