I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
