i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize