gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Randomize
