i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize