Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
