I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
