I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
