Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
