so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
