im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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