Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
