my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
where are my eyebrows?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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