roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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