you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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