i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
