Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
