call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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