dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
