Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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