first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
