Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
