Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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