A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
