i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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