I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
