Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
