Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
3 2 1 whiskey
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
