I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
