Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
