i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
