oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
