I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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