Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
