I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just pee around me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
