those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
