he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
