im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
