Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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