I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize