I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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